Titsy's Slutty Stories

Slutty Story #10 - Mini Stories

Last night at dinner I tried to think of a new slutty story to tell but I can't come up with anything. All the slutty stories that I have left are either about people I still know and love, or they are really short... Like "I once gave Dave Towner a blowjob in the cemetery behind the mall" or "I once picked up a fat guy at a party but never knew his name." BLAH!

I tried to convince BD to let me tell some of his slutty stories - but he said that if wanted his stories on the web he would put them on the web. DOH! It's too bad because BD has some GOOOOOD stories!

I guess I'll do a list of mini slutty storys:

• I once gave Dave Towner a blowjob in the cemetery behind the mall. He had a mullet at the time.

• I once picked up a fat guy at a party but never knew his name. I decided half way through 'the act' that I wasn't interested anymore and went to sleep. The next morning he asked for my number and I said something vague like "I'm sure we'll run into each other again." We never did.

• Stan and I once got busted by the cops having sex in the backseat of his car. We used to have sex everywhere - in the woods, in the car outside of my house, in his basement - and it seems like we got busted often.

• Once when I was about 16 my mom found a tube of KY Jelly in my backpack and threw me out of the house. There was no way to defend myself on that one.

• Later in life my mom worked at Planned Parenthood - she gave me a box full of condoms. She explained that the mint ones were for blowjobs and the extra strength ones were for MY TUSHY. I was horrified.

• An unnamed ex once made me cum while on the subway (it was the Green Line) in Boston. It was amazing.

• I once had sex with a really drunk guy. He was wearing only a condom and his socks when he passed out. Instead of waking him up to help him take the condom off I just went to sleep. I thought it was funny. He was pissed in the morning.

• The same guy once showed up at my house in the middle of the night with a teenage girl in tow. He wanted to have a threesome. She was totally not interested in me at all - only wanted to have sex with him. He fucked her while I flogged him halfheartedly across the back. She was very loud. The next morning my roommate complained bitterly about the noise. It was highly amusing to explain to her that it wasn't even me!

• I often used to masturbate when I took long bus trips.

• Dan and I were once having a rather loud mid-afternoon roll in the hay. We didn't realize until later that our roommate had her parents over for lunch. I was horrified, they thought it was funny.

• The first time I ever came from oral sex was after the prom in a hotel room with Stan. Later, my sister - who sounds exactly like my mom on the phone - called the room and pretended to bust me - she scared me shitless!

• Patrick used to bite me so hard that he would leave crescent shaped bruises all over my body. I once had to go to the gynecologist while covered in bruises and welts - she was very upset and gave me a long lecture. I finally told her that I was a consenting adult and that it was really none of her business.

• Josh was notoriously unkinky and rather mean. I mentioned to him that I would like to be tied up and left alone for a little while - to experience the anticipation of him coming back, and the fear that he wouldn't. He tied me up and left. A while later I got bored and had to pee, luckily he did a shitty job of tying me up so I simply untied myself and got up. Hours later he came back - he had gone home and watched a movie. He was amused, I was pissed.

That's all for now, but I'll try and think of some more...

Slutty Story #9 "THE LIST"

Not unlike Phil D. I kept a list of everyone I slept with until after my first year of college. This list has been super secret and highly classified - until now... What do I care at this point if everyone knows I was a big slut in the 80s? Itıs not like anyone will be shocked or surprised... The list ends in the summer of 1989 - right before the events of Slutty Story #5. Iım not sure why I decided to stop keeping track - maybe it got too complicated or shameful...

So, without further ado - here is THE LIST. Iıve added comments and removed last names to protect the innocent.... or not so innocent. Many of these people will show up in slutty stories later down the line so youıll just have to wait for more details.

High School

1985

Colin L. - my first true love. virgin. now lives in Sweden.
Phil D. - see slutty story #4. probably still lives at home.
David B. - much older brother of a best friend. I saw him recently and he couldnt remember my name. married with kids.
Christian R. - very small penis. just got a picture of his son in the mail.

1986

Steve P. - boyfriend of a best friend. I donıt recall this at all.
Tim D. - older brother of a best friend. successful artist in NYC.
Dave T. - rock god. virgin.
Peter F. - older hip guy, terrible lay.

1987

Stan W. - long term 11th grade boyfriend. virgin. married & lives in a trailer.
Seth S. - amazing body, turbulent relationship. I ran into Seth at a Crash Worship show in San Diego in 1996.
Doug L. - see slutty story #2.

1988

Tony F. - son of my momıs best friend.
Tracy T. - coworker, incredibly hot.
Allan D. - ummm.... friend of a friend?? I have no idea.
Lance P. - went totally insane later in life. last saw him in 1993 working at a video store.
Dan J. - dishwasher from boarding school. probable virgin.
Tom S. - coworker. bad skin. possible virgin.

College

Mitch K. - I donıt remember this at all.
Evan M. - alcoholic, very hip black sheets.
Bill K. - uncircumcised.
Jason D. - gave AMAZING head.
Brent C. - ended up dating my best friend - much to my horror.
Chris C. - I have no idea who this is.
Brett M. - BM from slutty story #8
Jeff W. - roommate of Colin L. amazing artist
Denis T. - HUGE penis - it was enormous and flat, like a dead fish. OH MY GOD - no thanks!

1989

Noah L. - friend of my roommate. was VERY loud during sex.
Dan B. #1 - had a bent penis and a crazy ex girlfriend.
Dan B. #2 - see slutty story #8
J.T. K. - band mate of Dan B. #2 - challenged in the looks department.
Peter D. - a huge error in judgment.
Bobby P. - roommate. stinky hippy.

Slutty Story #8 "Mystery Guest..."

I try to avoid telling slutty stories about people I am still close with - although I am honest to a fault there is the possibility that they remember things differently or that my perspective or understanding of a situation is skewed. Anyway, with that disclaimer out of the way, I'm going to tell a slutty story about Mr. Softee - one of the great loves of my life.

When I was first in college I dated my neighbor BM. (BM went on to be nominated for an Academy Award - which qualifies him for a "Titsy Slutty Story with a Famous Person" - but that will have to wait for another day.) BM and I dated briefly, broke up, and stayed friends. We'll get back to him later...

Now, Mr. Softee was somewhat of a celebrity on campus - a rock god with long lovely hair and a group of ultra hip, glamorous friends. Mr. Softee and I had never exchanged a single word before he appeared on my doorstep one afternoon. I thought he had come by to purchase some of what I sold on the side to pay for groceries, and I was very surprised when he said he had just come by to see me. Mr. Softee and I spent the day together - and then the night... He even swept me off my feet by rushing home to make me a Metalicca tape since I didn't have any! I was utterly shocked - how had this amazing guy just appeared on my doorstep like that???

Turns out that Mr. Softee was dating a wildcat and she wanted to have an open relationship. She wasn't having any trouble finding partners but shy Mr. Softee had run out of options. Not to be outdone he started to ask around about where he might get lucky. BM was kind enough to point me out - he advised Mr. Softee to come see me, that I'd like him for sure, and that he wouldn't have any trouble getting some - and the rest is history. I fell right into their slutty trap!! I was upset for about 5 minutes until Mr. Softee showed up at my door for some very enjoyable more...

Mr. Softee and I ending up dating for a long long time after that slutty start. We had one of the most challenging, enjoyable, and educational relationships I've ever had the pleasure to have. Today Mr. Softee and I are good friends. It's a joy to have him in my life and if it were not for my marginal reputation it might never have happened...

And - just in case you were wondering - Mr. Softee never had trouble getting hard...

Slutty Story #7 "Shake it Baby... Shake it"

While on tour with Slughog we stopped to play in a town in West Virginia. The promoter of the club was the cat's meow and I set my sights on him immediately. I spent the entire day/evening buttering him up and flirting like crazy. Somehow I managed to finagle it so that we all got to stay at his house for the night. After the show we went back to his place. He and the boys in the band got right down to a night of hard drinking. It got later and later as I watched my potential romance get drunker and drunker.

Finally people started to drift off to bed... Just as I got set to make my big move, Mr. Promoter came back from a trip to the john with a big wet PEE STAIN on the front of his pants. ICKY! I bedded down in my comfy sleeping bag alone with no regrets at all. I wonder if he knows how close he came - derailed by his drunken neglect to shake it baby... shake it!

Slutty Story #6 "He didn't think it was funny..."

This is just a "Mini Slutty Story."

I was once spending the night with a new guy. It was the first time we had slept together and I stayed the night. During the night I had a particularly funny dream and started laughing hysterically out loud. Apparently waking up to find me maniacally laughing while fast asleep was too much for him. He told me he was really freaked out and didn't want to see me again. OK... whatever.

Slutty Story #5 "Evil Slut = BAD, Fun Slut = GOOD"

Today's story is shameful and embarrassing. It's a sad day when you use sluttiness for evil instead of good...

When I was in college I lived with this amazing woman - we'll call her Ladybug. Ladybug was/is beautiful, vibrant and intelligent. Ladybug was also a close friend - and a good friend. Unfortunately Ladybug's boyfriend Dean was kind of a deadbeat. Dean followed Ladybug to college - he worked a succession of crappy jobs and hung around while she went to school. Dean was one of those painters who doesn't paint - one of those guys who has a lot to say but doesn't actually ever back up his words with action. Basically he was full of shit.

One summer Ladybug and I stayed on campus instead of going back home. Of course Dean stayed too - living illegally in the dorm with us. Ladybug ran into a little trouble - she had a family vacation planned and she found out she was pregnant right before leaving. Ladybug had to tell her family that she was pregnant - a feat that is near impossible under any circumstances - and arrange to have an abortion while on vacation. The whole experience was - understandably - very traumatic for her.

Meanwhile back on campus - Dean and I ended up sleeping together. How unforgivable to sleep with a good friend's boyfriend while she was off having an abortion! I would love to blame this on the ignorance of youth but this was clearly a bad idea and no amount of youthful stupidity can excuse it. Dean and I decided it was best not to tell Ladybug what had happened - this was also a bad bad idea! She should have known what kind of boyfriend she had - as well as what kind of a friend - but the timing was terrible.

Ladybug and I continued to live together for a long time and continued to be close friends. She and Dean continued to date but eventually they broke up. During the throws of the break up Dean spilled the beans - he was trying to hurt her - and he did!! Ladybug was furious and confronted me about the situation - I told her the truth. She was utterly betrayed and rightfully pissed. Ladybug and I were never friends again.

Dean had his part in this drama - but ultimately I am responsible for my own actions and have no one to blame but myself. Nothing I can ever do or say could make up for this unforgivable act.

BE SLUTTY FOR GOOD - NOT EVIL!!

Slutty Story #4 "Oh Phil - you PRICK!"

There were three brothers that I grew up with. The oldest brother was Phil. Phil was so cool - punk rock, older, serious. He was amazingly good looking and had the perfect mix of cruel and aloof that drove me wild. I was about 14 when I had my run in with Phil - he must have been 17 or 18 at the time.

One night we ended up over at his house - somehow Phil and I started to fool around. I was a virgin looking to be deflowered and I had a long standing crush on Phil. Phil, in a seemingly gentleman like move - wouldn't have sex with me. He gave me some bullshit line about how my virginity was sacred and that I should wait for the right person. Phil thought a blow job would be a much better idea so I blew him on the couch in his living room. It was my first blow job. After that I was totally obsessed with Phil - I would walk by his house all the time - try to find excuses to see him. Phil reverted back to his cold self - like nothing had ever happened - and I was heartbroken.

Soon after that I did in fact lose my virginity and it WAS to the right person... I guess word got around because suddenly Phil was at my door. I remember the day like it was yesterday - he was wearing these little white shorts and no shirt - it was hot and he was sweaty and slick. Phil took me back to his house and up to his room. We started to fool around. I was wearing a bathing suit with shorts and a tshirt over it. Phil pulled aside my shorts and bathing suit and just stuck it right in. No condom - no foreplay - nothing. Just stuck it in - got off and then sent me on my way. I was very confused and disappointed. What a total JERK!

Later his brothers told me that Phil had a list of girl's names inside his closet. Beside each name was a little notation - in code - for how far he had gotten with them - to Phil it was all about conquest. It was a game.

On a side note, during my Phil obsessive period I wrote a note to my friend Sue about how I had walked by his house one night and had seen him through the window. He was sitting on the couch where we first got it on. My math teacher caught me writing the note and read it aloud to the entire class. As you can imagine this did nothing to help my already tarnished reputation...

Slutty Story #3 "The Booger"

Admittedly I was pretty slutty in high school - it's true - I was easy. This is a story that I have told many times - seems that everyone has heard it EXCEPT for the guy who was involved. I'm a little paranoid that he might read this but it's a chance I think I'll take.

Recently Big Daddy and I went to a wedding in my home town. In attendance was a guy who I dated briefly in high school. After a few drinks he turned to me and proceeded to tell me that he would never forget me because I gave him his first blow job. He said "You gave me my first blow job. Afterwards I gave you a cough drop and then we walked to Ben and Jerry's for ice cream." Very odd. I honestly can not recall said blow job but I am glad that he remembers it so clearly and fondly.

What I do remember about him is that I almost slept with him but didn't. I went over to his house on his birthday - must have been his 15th or 16th. I had every intention of screwing him. We did a couple of bong hits and I got a little too high. He leaned in to kiss me and I noticed that he had a GIANT BOOGER on his cheek. I got totally freaked out by the big ass booger. I didn't want it to get on me - but I also didn't know how to tell him it was there. So I left. We broke up soon after.

Slutty Story #2 "Case of the missing cum..."

When I was a senior in high school I did an internship at a local college radio station. I was 17. I started dating a graduate student - we'll call him DL - who also worked at the station - he was 27. DL was working on some high tech computer stuff that was super cool and highly time consuming - sadly you can do the same thing now with PhotoShop in about 45 seconds. I was going through a long hair phase where I only dated guys with long hair. Although DL had long long hair it was about the only thing going for him. DL wore awful shoes, was a total dork, and a terrible cook. He once made me a quiche with a graham cracker crust - GROSS!

DL and I only slept together a couple of time before a number of issues emerged that I just could not overcome. First, DL would not go down on me unless he slathered my private parts in flavored oils. I felt like a shake and bake pork chop. It totally irked me that he wouldn't go near my vagina without first flavoring it like a salad. Also, the scent of the strawberry oil made me utterly nauseous.

The second issue was a little more disturbing to me. It turned out that DL could not ejaculate - at least not outwardly. Right at the moment of orgasm DL could clamp down on his penis so that the semen would shoot backwards into his bladder instead of out the end. DL had been doing this for years and years - it started when he was a child and didn't want to make a mess while masturbating. Since DL had trained himself to cum that way he couldn't orgasm without the clamping thing... This was a little upsetting to my young mind and we broke up soon after.

Slutty story #1 "Me and My Felon"

Due to lack of exciting events in my present I've decided to relate thrilling tales of my past. We can call it 'Titsy's Sultry Slutty Stories'

Story #1 "Me and my felon"

I once had an affair with a multiple felon. He robbed a bank actually. He would have gotten away with it except for a mishap in a hotel. He and the other person who were involved were in a hotel - with a lot of money and a lot of drugs. The chambermaid saw the drugs and called one of those 800-NO-DRUGS numbers and got them busted. They connected the money to the robbery and he was sent up the river.

He and I wrote to each other while he was in prison and arranged to meet after he got out. He drove to see me in MA - from NH - even though he wasn't supposed to leave the state. It was terribly romantic! My ghetto roommates and I hadn't paid our bills so when he arrived our electricity had been cut off. We spent a very cozy evening by candlelight and eventually got down to some funny business. It was rather disappointing but I was smitten none the less.

Mr. Felon went back to NH and I left for a mini tour with Crash Worship a few days later. From every town we went to I sent him a letter, a postcard, a little gift. I was utterly smitten and wrote about how I couldn't wait to see him again and how much I missed him. When I got back to Boston I found a letter from him waiting for me - it had arrived the day AFTER I left. It was your basic 'Dear Titsy' letter and I was utterly crushed and humiliated. I couldn't stand the thought of him getting all those nice little love notes from me AFTER he had already blown me off. I never wrote back and I've never heard from him again. I have no idea what happened to him. Oh well...